My Blog

Weight and the emotions behind it.

dml123 — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 04:09:05 +0000

I think if there is one belief that has run my life it is the belief that I can’t handle life. Really. It started when I was a child and an extremely sensitive one. I felt deeply and it scared me. I actually became frightened by my own emotions and the power and depth of them. In many ways I was resilient and strong, but in other ways painfully fragile. I bruised easily and long-held on to grudges and pains. I cried over movies, sad songs, friends who betrayed me, names I was called - the insults hurled at an overweight child by nearly everyone, fears of the future, fears of losing people I loved. I nurtured deeply the belief that I was not like other people, not good enough, not attractive enough and would never measure up. I would, I decided never be wanted, so I had better make myself needed. Perhaps somewhere before I was born, I wasn’t wanted and this translated into the feeling I had. Surely, my mother often acts as though she hates me.

I was painfully aware from that young age that I was different and it led to me attempting to insulate myself from feelings by thinking my way thru life as if there was some magic key or way to think that would set me free. As I gained weight, weight became my focus and I dieted endlessly and exercised vigorously shedding nearly 50 lbs on a very low-calorie diet. It was hard, my weight loss slowed when I started exercising.

Over the years, the weight crept on relentlessly and soon more than the original 50 stuck to me. Curiously though, I kept my calories very low. It was devastating to me emotionally and while my friends were marrying and having children, I was running from doctor to doctor and diet to diet trying to keep the weight at bay and trying to comprehend the lack of control I seemed to have over my ever fattening form.

Even with my low-calorie diet and a lifelong walking and weight training program, the weight continued to pile up and then, menopause came and another 30 lbs piled on. It is nearly impossible to reconcile what little healthy food I eat with what I weigh and no doctor has ever provided me with an answer. The last endocrinologist I went to told me life wasn’t fair and yes, he believed how little I ate. And, then he suggested that I consider gastric bypass! Are you freaking kidding me? My calorie count is under 1500 each day and I exercise regularly and he is suggesting gastric bypass? What an insensitive moron. My heart shattered….I didn’t cry, I rarely do anymore, what is the point? Still, I spend much of each day consumed by it..by the injustice of it…my failure to succeed at it and my shame about it. On days when I feel really fat, I just want to hide away from the world.

I found a plan called the Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel. It all made sense. I have followed the plan for nearly a year now and I haven’t lost an ounce! Still, most of the time, I do feel better.

I realize that my weight may be a result of all this inner torment, lack of peace and shame – feelings that I am a hopeless failure and that I am not as good, as smart as anyone else.

It may also be a subconscious way of hiding from life and protecting myself. I mean really, if the underlying belief of my life is that I cannot handle it, then the fat is doing a really good job of keeping me sheltered behind a lonely wall. I realize that my body thinks it is helping me, but it is really making me miserable – ah!

But, that misery is predictable and the world outside is not, so could it be that my programming error – that I can’t handle life and its disappointments and loses – be causing my wall of fat? If so, I need for my brain to understand that the wall of fat doesn’t help and I KNOW that I can handle life and it won’t always be fun, but I can handle the uncertainty of it all and yes there will be pain and I will win some and lose some and people will come and go and I will not last forever so neither will any pain or joy that comes.

Could this fat shield be a form of protection? If so, it is at best woefully misguided.

Dear body, if you are listening, turn off the fat making machine. We are not in danger and abundance is all around. Let go. Really. I thank you, but you are woefully misguided dear friend. Let go…let me go…It is time to free me from your grip and I know that you know how. Make it so. My time is now.

Holiday Weight Watching Survival

dml123 — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 01:29:43 +0000

For me, the holidays used to bring me so much stress! I was so worried that I might eat something I shouldn’t and, too often, I wished the holidays away so that I could stop worrying. Anything I ate was never enjoyed and I suffered from guilt and internal torment for eating it. Last year, I read an email from a woman named Rebecca Marina of Celebration Healing. She made a comment along the lines guilt causing more weight gain than a few hundred extra calories. I realized that she is right.

A light bulb popped on in my head. The stress and resulting worry were probably causing more weight gain than anything. This year, like last year, I will not feel guilty. This year, I am taking it one step further. What I do choose to eat, I will ENJOY. I will take the time and savour every bite.

A few weeks ago, I was comparing the calories in a carton of yogurt with the calories in two peanut butter cups (always forbidden for me) and I realized, that they were virtually the same. Though 99.99% of the time, I would not allow myself to have the candy, I did wonder why not? Once in a while, would my body know the difference, or would I know? Was my own guilt causing me to punish myself mercillously? I think so.

I am now in the process of allowing myself to enjoy a small amount of something I used to forbid and enjoying whatever I eat. So, in the spirit of the holidays, enjoy what you eat, make it the best quality most desirable thing you can find. Be reasonable and try to exercise a little bit more. Banish the guilt …life is short and the holidays are soon over.

Merry Christmas!

Diane

My diet war….

dml123 — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:12:18 +0000

I have been a dieter all my life…since I could remember. My mother struggled with her weight and as early as I can remember, there I was sitting in the car in the dark on some busy street in Salem, MA while my mother and my auntie made their bi-weekly visits to the diet doctor. Those visits produced little lasting weight loss and quickly came under fire as “diet doctors” in those days were simply dispensing amphetamines. Luckily, my mother suffered no lasting effects and quickly abandoned that.

Still, I grew up with Tops, Weight Watchers and Diet Workshop. As my own body began its expansion, I became a fervent dieter. Success was very difficult and by the time I was 17, I had spent nearly 1 1/2 years on diet workshop and increasingly needed to restrict what I ate to lose weight. In order to achieve my weight loss of 50 lbs, I needed to get down to about 800 calories a day. Breakfast and lunch were cantaloupe and cottage cheese. As soon as I tried to eat anything else, the fat raced back on me. It perplexed and depressed me. I exercised harder and ate very little. For years, I tripped from one doctor to another begging to understand how 1200-1300 calories a day was making me fat. They never believed me. I still remember Dr. Olivero. So nice, he listened patiently and followed me out to the waiting room. He whispered to me…”The only reason people gain weight, is that the eat too much.” What a jerk! I was crushed. He hadn’t been listening, just judging based on his experience. I wonder how he would have liked always watching, weighting and calculating your food intake and having a runaway body that wanted only to be fat. Trouble is, you live in that body and know all too well the shame and judgement inflicted on those who do not comply with society’s ideals. I have spent thousands of dollars and wasted a life trying to be something my body refuses to let me be. I exercise regularly, pump loads of vitamins and still, the pounds keep coming.

Recently, I came across Jon Gabriel’s brilliant work and thought I had found an answer, but I have yet to get the success that others have. If the truth be told, I do believe that my fat is a “thicker skin” ,designed by some part of me that is woefully misguided my protective, to keep me safe from danger, growth that might trigger danger, or fear. I am a highly sensitive person and I do have to wonder if that is the trigger. My mother, my brother and myself, the family members thusly afflicted, would all fall into that category.
Could it really be that some part of ourselves views fat as protection? Jon Gabriel says yes. I would like to believe that and get this blubber off me, but so far, no luck. I am currently attempting to increase my protein levels. It is now 3pm. Today, I have eaten a protein shake and a few nuts along with two cups of coffee. I don’t get it….

Am I just a freak? Or, are there others out there like me and just how will we win this struggle. Is it really with ourselves. Is there some unconscious part of us that starved before or perceives a starvation state and thus will not burn the fat off? It does seem that way. I just have not had any luck accessing me unconscious to get it to understand what I want it to do “Burn, baby, burn! I have had enough of being fat…..