I think if there is one belief that has run my life it is the belief that I can’t handle life. Really. It started when I was a child and an extremely sensitive one. I felt deeply and it scared me. I actually became frightened by my own emotions and the power and depth of them. In many ways I was resilient and strong, but in other ways painfully fragile. I bruised easily and long-held on to grudges and pains. I cried over movies, sad songs, friends who betrayed me, names I was called - the insults hurled at an overweight child by nearly everyone, fears of the future, fears of losing people I loved. I nurtured deeply the belief that I was not like other people, not good enough, not attractive enough and would never measure up. I would, I decided never be wanted, so I had better make myself needed. Perhaps somewhere before I was born, I wasn’t wanted and this translated into the feeling I had. Surely, my mother often acts as though she hates me.
I was painfully aware from that young age that I was different and it led to me attempting to insulate myself from feelings by thinking my way thru life as if there was some magic key or way to think that would set me free. As I gained weight, weight became my focus and I dieted endlessly and exercised vigorously shedding nearly 50 lbs on a very low-calorie diet. It was hard, my weight loss slowed when I started exercising.
Over the years, the weight crept on relentlessly and soon more than the original 50 stuck to me. Curiously though, I kept my calories very low. It was devastating to me emotionally and while my friends were marrying and having children, I was running from doctor to doctor and diet to diet trying to keep the weight at bay and trying to comprehend the lack of control I seemed to have over my ever fattening form.
Even with my low-calorie diet and a lifelong walking and weight training program, the weight continued to pile up and then, menopause came and another 30 lbs piled on. It is nearly impossible to reconcile what little healthy food I eat with what I weigh and no doctor has ever provided me with an answer. The last endocrinologist I went to told me life wasn’t fair and yes, he believed how little I ate. And, then he suggested that I consider gastric bypass! Are you freaking kidding me? My calorie count is under 1500 each day and I exercise regularly and he is suggesting gastric bypass? What an insensitive moron. My heart shattered….I didn’t cry, I rarely do anymore, what is the point? Still, I spend much of each day consumed by it..by the injustice of it…my failure to succeed at it and my shame about it. On days when I feel really fat, I just want to hide away from the world.
I found a plan called the Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel. It all made sense. I have followed the plan for nearly a year now and I haven’t lost an ounce! Still, most of the time, I do feel better.
I realize that my weight may be a result of all this inner torment, lack of peace and shame – feelings that I am a hopeless failure and that I am not as good, as smart as anyone else.
It may also be a subconscious way of hiding from life and protecting myself. I mean really, if the underlying belief of my life is that I cannot handle it, then the fat is doing a really good job of keeping me sheltered behind a lonely wall. I realize that my body thinks it is helping me, but it is really making me miserable – ah!
But, that misery is predictable and the world outside is not, so could it be that my programming error – that I can’t handle life and its disappointments and loses – be causing my wall of fat? If so, I need for my brain to understand that the wall of fat doesn’t help and I KNOW that I can handle life and it won’t always be fun, but I can handle the uncertainty of it all and yes there will be pain and I will win some and lose some and people will come and go and I will not last forever so neither will any pain or joy that comes.
Could this fat shield be a form of protection? If so, it is at best woefully misguided.
Dear body, if you are listening, turn off the fat making machine. We are not in danger and abundance is all around. Let go. Really. I thank you, but you are woefully misguided dear friend. Let go…let me go…It is time to free me from your grip and I know that you know how. Make it so. My time is now.
